Utterly, Totally, Terribly

by Anna Haapaniemi

Think pink. Lots of pink.

Yuriko thought "Pink?!". Lots and lots of pink.

Okay, so there were a few dots of white, some glitter and something that looked like a gay- pride-flag in the corner. But the rest was utterly, totally, terribly pink.

Yuriko shrieked like a schoolgirl, and fainted on the spot.

Or she wished she could have done that. Instead she stood frozen for a few moments, just staring. Then she swallowed, plastered a smile on her face and hoped with her life that the "real" hell was more like in her childhood stories: dark, red, hot (and not in the good way), evil, and eating everything "homosexual" for breakfast.

Anything but this.

She also managed to mutter "Kishi-san, I'll kill you!" under her breath while still smiling like an idiot.


"I have a job for you", Kishi-san had said that day, which Yuriko would come to recall as 'the day of doom'.

She had thought of calling it 'the day of pink doom', but decided against it. That day had had a wonderful, fantastic, heavenly absence of utterly, totally, terribly pink.

Actually, that day had been of that kind when life is mostly dull and grey.

The news of a new job should have cheered her up. She hadn't done anything "real" for a while. Some interviews and talkshows, sure, but no real acting.

But it hadn't. Cheered her up, that is.

It might have been Yuriko's fantastic fortune-telling instincts. Or just that evil glint in Kishi-san's eyes when she had told her about it. But something hadn't felt right, and the blond had just known that it would end up with her being utterly, totally, terribly embarrassed.

She had been right, of course, and if that should be considered the only good thing of that day, or just another bad among many, she wouldn't really ever be able to tell.

Nevertheless, she had taken the job and that had been an utterly, totally, terribly bad thing to do.


Kishi-san hadn't really told her that much back then. The script wasn't fully finished, she had said, therefore Yuriko wouldn't be able to see it just yet.

The only things she'd gotten to know was that she would play a bisexual waitress (yes, she might have to play "romantically" against boys, but not so much), that it was some kind of teenager sitcom, a huge project and something she would really want to be a part of.

She would definitely have to kill Kishi-san.

Because now here she stood, dressed in a too short-skirted, too girly, too sparklingly and definitely too utterly, totally, terribly PINK outfit, surrounded by others in like wisely looking dresses, most of them who seemed far too happy while being in such a situation.

They were all to play waitresses at this café, Sugar something-or-another, even though Yuriko and two others were the only ones having real "parts". The blonde would be playing the female main character, a girl named, of all things, Kyandee. She was by herself and all others thought to be lesbian, but during the series fell in love with the male main character, Jake, a young half-American university student.

Yuriko had to admit that the actor, Kimura Theodore, was quite a good-looking man. He was half Japanese/half American, black-haired, a fine shade of natural tan, and with both a stunning smile and gorgeous eyes. Of course, Yuriko wasn't by far as affected by this as the real straight or bisexual girls. They just wouldn't stop blushing and giggling every time he flashed that smile.

The only other one of the waitress-actresses who didn't seem to care, was the one playing the main supporting female character, Choko. A lesbian twenty-year-old bishoujo, by the name of Ito Itsumi. She was nice and seemed that kind of person that's always happy. Her only flaw, as far as Yuriko could see, was that she actually loved pink. Utterly, totally, terribly pink. She even dressed in it when not being forced to!

Had it not been for that, Yuriko might have asked her out. But once out of here, she was sure she wouldn't want to see any amount of pink for the rest of her week, whether it was on a cute woman or not.

The production had been on for five days now, and it was Friday afternoon. Yuriko had managed to faint only twice. Or only once, if you didn't count her mental fainting when she first saw it all. She had also managed to keep herself upright while getting the menus, but had actually fallen to the floor when first setting her eyes on what she was supposed to be wearing. She had also gotten totally pissed upon getting home the first night and cried herself to sleep with a bottle in her hand. The next morning she hadn't been able to decide if she felt better or worse. But return to this crazy world of pink and glitter she had had to. She had signed the contract after all, on that idiotic 'day of doom'.

And something she was sure of was that all of her friends, and every single damn person in her studio, were laughing behind her back. They all gave her these pitying smiles every time they looked her way. And she felt miserable.

But soon she would have two and a half pink-free days! Oh, the joy of it!

"Okay girls, once more!"

Yuriko sighed and stepped over to her place, and then started smiling towards the "entrance of the café", where "Jake" was to be walking in at the beginning of this scene. They had been forced to play it again and again and again, since it was always at least one of the girls that just couldn't stop herself from giggling when Theodore flashed a smile on way or another.


Here we go again, thought Yuriko.


The blonde actress stumbled through the door to her apartment. How many takes had they actually been forced to do? A million?!?

They had been held overtime for some hours to finally get it finished, and had had to take three girls out of the scene because they just wouldn't shut up. Not that they had been really necessary anyway.

And now half her Friday night was ruined.

She lowered herself into a chair, put her head in her hands and took some deep breaths, enjoying the silence.

This week had been bad, very bad. And this day had been hell. And she couldn't decide what she needed the most, a nice party, some alcohol, sex, or just a good night's sleep.

Well, she thought, getting up. She had a weekend, sure, but she couldn't just sit her if she wanted all these things. Now was the time for action.


Yuriko actually managed all those things, some of them more then just once, during the weekend, and felt kind of refreshed when waking up Monday morning.

But as her normal get-ready procedures went on she could feel a dread for what was lying ahead building in her stomach. It was as if pink dots were already dancing before her eyes. Oh, the pain of it!

And it wouldn't get any better


"I have toŠWHAT?!"

Yuriko just couldn't believe hear ears. Or whatever evil God was putting her through this.

Kissing a boy!

No, definitely not true.

As if it was not enough having her declare undying love for him! Now there was kissing too. Or more like snogging. Snogging a boy!

Yes, all other kind of hell and punishment would be very welcomed right now, thank you.

"I mean", she muttered. "Where is the logic in having a poor pink-hating lesbian kissing a boy on television wearing this?!"

Not that anybody listened to her.

She wondered if she would be able to live long enough to kill Kishi-san as slowly as she wanted to.


Strangling her manager with a silly pink dress seemed like a good option at the moment.

She had actually blushed while kissing Theodore. Blushed!

So embarrassing had it been.

And they had decided to keep that take!

Sure, she was glad not to have to do it again ("At least not now", her evil inner voice kept telling her. "But you still don't know what will happen in later episodesŠ") but now she would be kissing a boy on TV and blushing, while doing so!

Maybe she could boil Kishi-san in pink sugar.


The boiling idea would be far too nice an end for such an evil woman. If that really was the best way of describing her. Yuriko liked to think of women as nice, lovable creatures, making life good for her.

Not as someone who would put her through this. And enjoy doing so.

They had actually asked her to blush again when she, or, more rightly, Kyandee, received a huge bouquet of roses from "Jake". Utterly, totally, terribly pink roses.

Someone up there really didn't like her.


Think pink. Lots of pink. Yes, lots and lots of pink!

And you're still not even near imagining how the following weeks passed for Yuriko.

The weekends were her saviours. Most of the time anyway. A few evil friends and some huge amounts of bad luck made a few of them pink too. Utterly, totally, terribly pink. And sometimes glittering.

But now this time of her life was over. All episodes were finished. She would never have to return to that studio again. Never ever again. She was free!

Relief was flooding through her when the blonde pulled the door to her apartment open.

Before her was a sight to remember.

Cards, both get-wellers and Congratsforafinising, flowers, small presents, candy of all kinds, some food-packages... everything!

Yuriko got tears in her eyes. That there were such people...

Because every item, every single little paper and ribbon, even the stems of some of the flowers, all of them were in different shades of utterly, totally, terribly PINK!!!


Yuriko knew she would probably never live through killing all those people that deserved getting killed, but goddammit, she would try.

The End

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